HBO and Narcissism

Posted on December 20, 2011 by

Does HBO have a monopoly on series centered around characters who suffer from narcissism?  No, but the network sure has it’s share!  There was Valerie Cherish (played by Lisa Kudrow) in “The Comeback,” which my husband swears was cancelled because the character was too excruciating to watch.  Now Amy Jellicoe (Laura Dern) is creating chaos in “Enlightened,” with rumors swirling of its cancellation because of poor ratings. (See “The Comeback,” above.)  Larry David’s character in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” seems to be the only one of these characters who hasn’t turned off viewers.  I can watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm” about once every two years, in hopes that Wanda Sykes’ character will call him out.

What makes these TV characters so unwatchable is their narcissism, one aspect of which is their stunning lack of capacity to put themselves in anyone else’s shoes.  Have you known people in real life whose narcissism affects you like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard?  Narcissism, defined on Dictionary.com as “inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity,” is a defense against feeling insignificant and humiliated.  And it’s not such a stretch to see the fear of humiliation in these TV characters.  If you can remember that narcissism is a defense against potential humiliation, it can help you tolerate the narcissistic people you have to deal with in everyday life.

Narcissism starts in childhood

I didn’t watch “The Comeback” or “Curb Your Enthusiasm” enough to know the specific childhood origins of the Valerie Cherish and Larry David characters’ narcissism.  However, it doesn’t take even a minute of watching the interaction between “Enlightened”’s Amy Jellicoe and her mother Helen to see that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  The two of them are constantly fending off humiliation by various narcissistic methods:  belief that they have a monopoly on the truth, an emphasis on looking good over feeling good, trying to get other people to recognize their superiority, etc.

Am I saying that narcissism is hereditary, like eye color or other physical characteristics?  Not at all!  I’m saying that narcissism is passed along from generation to generation through the parents’ inability to meet a child’s psychological and physical needs in age-appropriate, warm, and loving ways.

My narcissism ate my satisfaction!

Leading with narcissism doesn’t work any better for people in the real world than it does for these television characters.  Narcissism destroys satisfaction on a daily basis.  These characters are having rather miserable lives, with their self-esteem going up and down.  If your self-esteem fluctuates in ways that make the stock market seem stable by comparison, your narcissism may be running the show.

Therapy is incredibly helpful in dealing with narcissism—your own and that of the people you encounter on a daily basis.  A good therapist can help you understand the origins and consequences of your narcissism, see it in real time, and find more satisfying ways to live everyday life.

 

* Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “narcissism” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword (narcissism) for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a basic rule of good writing.

 

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Enlightened” Superiority

Posted on November 11, 2011 by

Warning:  This is another television-and-therapy post, this time with a focus on superiority.

While flipping through the channels recently, I landed on HBO’s new series “Enlightened,” and stayed to watch because I admire actress Laura Dern’s work.  She plays Amy Jellicoe, a corporate executive who has a dramatic flame-out, goes to a spiritual retreat center, and returns to her life as a new-and-improved Amy, she believes.  While she gets on her feet, she lives with her mother, played by Diane Ladd, Laura Dern’s real-life mother.  We get to see how Amy got to be such a mess, through seeing how cold, mean, and superior her mother is.  And when new-and-improved Amy confronts stresses in her life, she reverts to mimicking Mom, without even realizing it.  Mom has a pampered little dog she dotes on, but doesn’t miss an opportunity to criticize Amy.  The dog can do no wrong; Amy can do no right.

Superiority vs. humiliation

Amy reads a self-help book she got at the retreat center, and wants to reach and enlighten the people around her, starting with her mom (who asks how long she has to listen) and ex-husband (who cuts lines of coke while she’s talking with him).  She wants to “have closure” with the married boss with whom she’d had an affair.  Surprise:  he’s not interested.  Amy can’t even get her old job back.  After Amy threatens the corporation with a lawsuit when HR says there’s no job for her, she’s given a menial job in the basement, a corporate version of the land of misfit toys, clearly an attempt to bore and humiliate her into quitting.  There she unknowingly mimics her mother’s superiority and contempt toward her co-workers.  She walks the edge of superiority, with the quick fall to abject humiliation always a threat.  That’s how it goes:  when a person feels small, they try to make themselves feel better by feeling superior to someone else—all to try to fend off the humiliation that’s lurking in the background.  If the person didn’t have to be perfect, they wouldn’t have to feel so humiliated by making mistakes—i.e., being human—like the rest of us.

As a viewer I want to say, “Amy, move out of your mom’s house when you get your first paycheck!”  As a therapist, I know that moving out of her mom’s house won’t take her mom out of Amy’s head and stop her mom from driving the bus of Amy’s life right off the peak of superiority into the abyss of humiliation.  It’s a wreck from which we can’t avert our eyes.

Amy’s mom isn’t all bad; she is letting her stay at her house.  It seems she provided custodial care during Amy’s childhood, which is enough to get Amy to chronological adulthood, but not enough to make Amy function as adults should.  Amy’s mom did the best she could, but probably didn’t have her emotional needs met as a child.

Superiority:  a learned behavior

Amy’s predicament is common; most of us find ourselves saying something from time to time just like our parents used to say.  If the parents were warm and loving, made conscious decisions, and functioned like responsible adults, learning from what they modeled will turn out well.  The problem is that if description doesn’t fit the parents, what comes out of our mouths sometimes isn’t so kind and the thoughts we have aren’t so rational.  If you find yourself mimicking some parental attributes that don’t lead to satisfaction, that are not ones you want to live by, there’s help.  Therapy helps you look at what you learned from your parents that you like and want to build on, and what you learned that isn’t so useful in life.  Therapy won’t make those problematic things go away, whether superiority or masochism, but through lots of hard work in treatment you’ll learn to see them before you act out on them and make a spectacular mess of things.

 

* Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “superiority” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a basic rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“I could’ve had a V-8!” vs. satisfaction

Posted on October 26, 2011 by

Do you find yourself saying some variation of “I could’ve had a V-8!” about the situations or choices you’ve made in your life?  What does “I could’ve had a V-8!” mean, anyway?

Poor decisions, or chronic lack of satisfaction?

It’s an expression of a lack of satisfaction with what is.  People who often feel that way experience many situations and choices as disappointing or unsatisfying.  Is it a case of making poor decisions, or is it a default orientation toward life?  Are things chronically lacking in your experiences, or did you learn this “glass half-empty” stance somewhere?

One of my patients used to refer to this mindset as GIPped, which he defined as “Gippy, Icky, Pissy.”  You can see it in a TV commercial that’s currently in rotation, in which a guy informs his wife that he just signed up the family for unlimited texting.  She berates him for this, and says something like, “My mom was right:  I should’ve married _______.”  She is clearly having a GIPped–or V-8–moment, and feels so screwed over that even when her husband tells her that it was free, she still looks sour!  Clearly this has gone on a long time in their marriage, because she doesn’t seem the least bit horrified by her behavior and the guy looks beaten down.  What a miserable way to go through life!

Therapy improves decision-making and satisfaction

Therapy can be helpful in sorting out whether it’s a problem of judgement or of how you think about and interpret your life experiences, or a combination of the two.  And along with figuring out which it is, therapy can help you improve your decision-making process—and how you think about and experience your life.

In other words, satisfaction can be learned, which is pretty magnificent, if you ask me!  Let me know what you think about satisfaction and V-8 moments in the comments below.

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “satisfaction” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a basic rule of good writing.

 

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Natural Networking

Posted on October 17, 2011 by

“I don’t know how to network” or “Networking feels so fake” or “I’m too shy to network.”  Sound familiar?  You know your business would improve if you networked, but you’re just too uncomfortable to try.   (Read the “Comfort Zone” post to get a perspective on discomfort.)  The truth is, anyone can benefit from networking.

You’re already networking!

Another truth is that you probably already do natural networking in your daily life without realizing it!  Parents, how have you found babysitters?  Often it’s through a friend or friend of a friend, right?  How did you find the person who cuts your hair or walks your dog?  How about your accountant, primary-care doctor?  Many of the folks in your life probably came through people with whom you have trusting relationships—or their trusted relationships.

Networking doesn’t have to be a huge crowd scene with people papering each other with business cards.  It can be as easy as getting together with people you already know to do things you enjoy doing.  How?  Well, you talk about what’s going on in your personal and professional lives.  You listen as well as talk.  And you listen for the ways in which you can help, through introductions to friends and others you trust who may also be able to make useful introductions.  And you let the person you’re with know whom you’d like to meet.  It’s easy and fun.  And it’s how successful people in all walks of life help build their businesses and populate their lives.  It’s a win-win!

Networking still intimidating?

If you have trouble doing this or even imagining yourself networking, you may want to take a look at what’s getting in the way.  You may be concerned about what other people will think of you.  Or your anxiety may inhibit you in networking or social situations.  Or it feels like too much work.  Or it seems humiliating to ask for help.  There may be any number of reasons.  Therapy can help you determine and explore your reasons and get to the underlying issues, so that you can get out of your own way.  Then networking can be a natural and comfortable part of your everyday life, and you can start to enjoy the resulting success.

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “networking” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a basic rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Reframing: How to think your way through difficulties

Posted on July 2, 2011 by

If you’re struggling with a situation, you may benefit from reframing, that is, changing your attitude toward it.  This is especially helpful when you have a resentment.  Ever notice how you feed your resentments, chew them over, and go through the details of exactly how you were wronged by the other person?

Reframing is the opposite.  It’s thinking about the same situation from a different perspective, rather than feeding the perspective that makes you feel sad, angry, or wronged.  Whatever you feed gets bigger!  This quote of unknown origin provides a great description of reframing:  “The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.”

Reframing 101

Let’s take it from the abstract to the concrete, to more easily understand reframing.  If someone cuts you off driving, you may replay how close you were to an accident.  You may even construct a revenge fantasy in which you flip off the other driver, honk, flash your lights, and run the person off the road.  If you want to reframe the situation, you may decide to focus instead on the quick reflexes that got you through the close call, how calm you stayed at the time, though you were scared.  You may entertain the possibility that the other driver  misjudged the distance.  The first option is going with your righteous indignation, which leaves you all revved up and right.  The second choice involves taking a positive view of yourself in the situation—so that instead of feeling wronged and resentful, you feel proud of how you handled yourself—and giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe you’re a freelancer who can’t afford to take time off for vacation because business was slow earlier in the year.  You can feel resentful about the situation, and even angry at the clients you’re working with during the summer.  By reframing, you can feel good about having the good health to work, about successfully networking and marketing your business in order to have these clients, about being expert in this field (or being paid to further develop your skills), and being able to work in your chosen field when so many people have to take jobs that are unrelated to their training and interests.

Or, if you have to work outside your field of interest during these challenging economic times, you can feel victimized by your circumstances, or proud of yourself for doing what’s necessary to support yourself and/or your family.  Reframing can be the difference between feeling horrible about your life, and enjoying it on a daily basis.

Therapy helps with reframing and other life skills

If you didn’t learn to reframe situations when you were growing up, this mindset can feel absolutely impossible now that you’re an adult.  Therapy can be a great help in developing this and other important life skills, so that you can find the joy in everyday life!

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “reframing” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t Push the Panic Button!

Posted on May 26, 2011 by

Last month I had an early morning flight, and in the rush I managed to leave my purse in the cab, which I realized as I saw it pull into the airport exit lane.  I hadn’t taken the time to get a receipt, so I couldn’t even trace the cab.  Luckily I had my phone in hand and had stashed my ID and debit card in the case.  In my bag?  A few hundred dollars in cash, a nearly full checkbook, several credit cards, home and office keys (same building), and thirty of my business cards with my address (from a recent networking event).

Try to make the flight and give the cabbie an 8-hour head start selling my info, if he’s so inclined?  Or skip the trip and try to recover my stuff? I opted for a compromise:  as my husband held down the traveling fort (daughter, bags, security line, gate directions), I started making calls.  The operator from the NYC report-a-problem line stayed on with me, even as my phone went through the x-ray machine, and we resumed the reporting process as I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my jacket, and sprinted toward the gate to join my family.  Since our departure was delayed due to weather conditions, I even had time to call the bank to stop payment on the checks, and contact three police precincts before boarding.  During the layover in Chicago I called the credit card companies to report loss of the cards.

Panic is optional

The real choice was this:  panic, or deal.  In other words, panic and then deal, or just begin dealing.  In any situation, if you panic, you’ll still have to deal with the situation at hand.  But you will have worn yourself out and exhausted your inner resources before tackling the problem.  Not the greatest conditions for trying to function at your best!

The call I didn’t think to make till dinner that evening:  my home phone to check my messages.  There was only one—from the cabbie.  He had found my bag, called the number on the business cards, and wanted to make arrangements to return everything.  When I got back the next week, he brought my bag to me.  Everything was there, including $637 in cash.  He refused my $200 reward, stating that he was a practicing Muslim and he was just doing the right thing, that it was my money and my bag, and he wasn’t looking for a reward.  I insisted, and he finally accepted.  Perfect ending. What if it hadn’t gone so well, if he had taken the opportunity to steal my identity and rack up enormous charges on my cards before I reported them as lost.  Would panicking at the airport have changed the outcome?  No, but it sure would have made the situation harder to deal with!

If you have trouble skipping the panic to deal with the situations of everyday life, counseling can help you learn to cope more effectively.

 

Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “panic” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

The Humor in Everyday Life

Posted on April 30, 2011 by

My tagline is “Helping people find the joy in everyday life,” and a part of that involves being able to see and appreciate the humor in everyday life.  In fact, I consider humor an important enough part of life that I even have a piece about developing a sense of fun on my website.

A caterer friend was baking pastries for a large event and had grated three cups of lemon zest when her young son came in and bumped the measuring cup, breaking the glass and spilling the lemon zest.  Another friend who was there at the time held his breath, waiting for the inevitable huffing and puffing.  Instead the caterer burst out laughing.  When she stopped, she said, “That was pretty funny, Chris!”  She knew he didn’t do it to mess up her timetable.  It was an accident.  She has an uncanny ability to find the humor in a situation most of us would find incredibly frustrating.  Rather than waste time on something that couldn’t be undone, she understood where he was coming from (it was an accident), had a good laugh, and started zesting more lemons.  That’s a healthy response that allows her to enjoy life much more than many people do.

Humor at your own expense is also your own reward!

And laughing at oneself is one of the best things going.  I’m not talking about laughter as a defense, where everything is a joke, but about lightening up overall.  Life is too short to collect your injustices—and what would you do with them anyway?!  It’s not like you can trade them in like frequent flyer miles.

I know someone who was depressed and went to a neighborhood workshop on laughter and healing.  She thought even a chuckle would be good for her.  Alas, it was the 1980s and lots of strange things went on!  Each participant was asked to name the saddest event of his or her childhood.  Sexual abuse.  Death of a sibling.  The list continued.  Each person was then instructed to talk about the event in detail while everyone else would laugh.  The depressed person, rather than walking out—which would have been the smart thing to do!—talked about the death of her father when she was a teenager, and began to cry.  She was scolded by the workshop leader.  On the walk home, she thought about her experience and realized she was doing better:  thinking about crying her way out of the laughter workshop cracked her up!

Carol Burnett says that humor is tragedy plus time, a statement I disagree with.  Nothing funny about tsunamis and tornadoes.  But I think humor can be annoyance and inconvenience coupled with a good attitude—and it will probably make a good story later.

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “humor” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Learning Impulse Control from David Mamet

Posted on April 22, 2011 by

Remember writer David Mamet’s statement from the last two posts, that every scene in a play or film should answer three questions:  “Who wants what from whom?  What do they do when they don’t get it?  Why now?”?  This week we’re dealing in a very loose way with the last question, “Why now?”.

How urgent is that impulse?

“Why now?”, to me, seems about a feeling of urgency, which speaks to impulse control.  I need that brownie, or new pair of pants, or fourth martini, you say to yourself, when it’s just a want that will eventually pass.  Confusing wants with needs is a common problem in people’s lives and it comes up frequently in therapy.

One of the most destructive impulses that I try to help people control is a sense of urgency to talk with someone, especially a partner, about something that seems really important.  These topics include doubts about the relationship, concerns about one’s own biological clock and how the partner’s timetable meshes or doesn’t, quitting a job, setting a friend straight, etc.

That’s not to say you should never have these conversations, because they are important topics, but don’t take on the big discussions in the heat of the moment.  Better to think things through in a calm, rational way and have a conversation, rather than a confrontation.  I suggest to patients that when they feel a sense of urgency, they should take that as a clear clue to “zip it” and wait till that urgent feeling passes.

If you believe that there is a “Seinfeld” episode for every occasion, this would be the one where George decides that the best action in every situation is the exact opposite of what he would normally do.  While I don’t advocate a default opposite position for every impulse, I do stress making conscious decisions.  And a good place to start when feeling an urgent impulse is to ask yourself, “Why now?”.

If lack of impulse control is interfering in your daily life—whether it’s overspending, ripping into your partner, or substance abuse—treatment can be a tremendous help.

Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “impulse” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Learning Disappointment from David Mamet and “American Idol”

Posted on April 13, 2011 by

As mentioned in last week’s post, writer David Mamet says that each scene in a play or film should answer three questions:  “Who wants what from whom?  What happens if they don’t get it?  Why now?”  This week we’re focused on the second question:  what happens if you don’t get what you want?  Do you keep trying?  Shift your tactics a bit and keep trying?  Do you blame?  Do you fall apart?

Disappointment on the big stage

We all experience disappointment, but what to do with it depends on the circumstances.  Last week those of us who watch “American Idol” saw a very talented young woman, Pia Toscano, whom many expected to win the contest, deal with the disappointment of being voted off the show.  She was clearly disappointed and crying, but she held herself together to make great use of her final opportunity to sing on the show.  She was a total pro, and you knew she would be fine in her singing career because she’s doing what she loves and isn’t going to let a silly TV show slow her down.  It’s been reported that she already has a recording contract.

After disappointment, what?

There’s a lesson here:  If you’re disappointed in an outcome, it’s fine to feel your disappointment for a bit, but if you indulge it, you’re still going to have to eventually put one foot in front of the other and get on with your life, so you might as well skip the indulgence and get right on with the walking—changing course, lowering expectations, working harder, whatever.  Therapy can help you learn to roll with the punches, which is one of the more important life skills to develop.  Having a big “event” over your disappointment just postpones satisfaction in your life.

 

*Note:   Apologies for the repetition of  “disappointment” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Learning Dependency from David Mamet

Posted on April 8, 2011 by

“Who wants what from whom?  What happens if they don’t get it?  Why now?”

These are the three questions that writer David Mamet says each scene in a play or film should answer.  They’re questions I find myself asking in treating couples, as well.  This post will deal with the first question.

Why does someone want something from someone else?  That’s a childish stance toward life, where the emphasis is on getting, not giving.  Another term for that is dependency, which is the idea that you have to do something for me so I can feel good—and I get to stand back and tell you how you got it wrong!

Move beyond dependency with therapy

But isn’t that what everyone does?  You may be surprised to learn that many people generate for themselves and look at a partner as someone to share the fun with, rather than someone to bring the sense of excitement to life.  If you’re stuck wanting something from someone else in order to have a good life and feel you have no idea how to generate for yourself (or that you shouldn’t have to), you’d benefit from treatment with a good therapist (read more here), so you can get an idea of how relationships and life can work without dependency and blame.

Dependency and blame:  they travel in pairs!

Whenever you have dependency, you have blame.  If you know how to generate the good feelings and make things happen in your life, you don’t have to blame other people for not “doing” you correctly.  You can take responsibility for your own life and happiness, which is infinitely more satisfying than waiting around for someone else to step up and give you the life and happiness you want.

Stay tuned next week for more lessons from David Mamet. Thanks for reading about dependency, and please feel free to write a comment in the “Share This” section after the post.

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of  “dependency ” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

Posted in New York City Counseling and Psychotherapy, Relationships | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment