Learning Disappointment from David Mamet and “American Idol”

Posted on April 13, 2011 by

As mentioned in last week’s post, writer David Mamet says that each scene in a play or film should answer three questions:  “Who wants what from whom?  What happens if they don’t get it?  Why now?”  This week we’re focused on the second question:  what happens if you don’t get what you want?  Do you keep trying?  Shift your tactics a bit and keep trying?  Do you blame?  Do you fall apart?

Disappointment on the big stage

We all experience disappointment, but what to do with it depends on the circumstances.  Last week those of us who watch “American Idol” saw a very talented young woman, Pia Toscano, whom many expected to win the contest, deal with the disappointment of being voted off the show.  She was clearly disappointed and crying, but she held herself together to make great use of her final opportunity to sing on the show.  She was a total pro, and you knew she would be fine in her singing career because she’s doing what she loves and isn’t going to let a silly TV show slow her down.  It’s been reported that she already has a recording contract.

After disappointment, what?

There’s a lesson here:  If you’re disappointed in an outcome, it’s fine to feel your disappointment for a bit, but if you indulge it, you’re still going to have to eventually put one foot in front of the other and get on with your life, so you might as well skip the indulgence and get right on with the walking—changing course, lowering expectations, working harder, whatever.  Therapy can help you learn to roll with the punches, which is one of the more important life skills to develop.  Having a big “event” over your disappointment just postpones satisfaction in your life.

 

*Note:   Apologies for the repetition of  “disappointment” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Learning Dependency from David Mamet

Posted on April 8, 2011 by

“Who wants what from whom?  What happens if they don’t get it?  Why now?”

These are the three questions that writer David Mamet says each scene in a play or film should answer.  They’re questions I find myself asking in treating couples, as well.  This post will deal with the first question.

Why does someone want something from someone else?  That’s a childish stance toward life, where the emphasis is on getting, not giving.  Another term for that is dependency, which is the idea that you have to do something for me so I can feel good—and I get to stand back and tell you how you got it wrong!

Move beyond dependency with therapy

But isn’t that what everyone does?  You may be surprised to learn that many people generate for themselves and look at a partner as someone to share the fun with, rather than someone to bring the sense of excitement to life.  If you’re stuck wanting something from someone else in order to have a good life and feel you have no idea how to generate for yourself (or that you shouldn’t have to), you’d benefit from treatment with a good therapist (read more here), so you can get an idea of how relationships and life can work without dependency and blame.

Dependency and blame:  they travel in pairs!

Whenever you have dependency, you have blame.  If you know how to generate the good feelings and make things happen in your life, you don’t have to blame other people for not “doing” you correctly.  You can take responsibility for your own life and happiness, which is infinitely more satisfying than waiting around for someone else to step up and give you the life and happiness you want.

Stay tuned next week for more lessons from David Mamet. Thanks for reading about dependency, and please feel free to write a comment in the “Share This” section after the post.

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of  “dependency ” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Big Love

Posted on March 31, 2011 by

Spoiler alert:  If you haven’t watched the series finale of HBO’s “Big Love” yet, stop reading here!

We come not to bury Bill Henrickson, but to praise him, or at least the wonderful HBO series, “Big Love,” in which he was the protagonist.  I got HBO when my patients were asking what I thought of Dr. Melfi from “The Sopranos” and her therapeutic approach with sociopathic (duh!) mob boss Tony.  And now I’ll be missing Bill, a Utah Mormon who lived in a “plural marriage” with his three wives and many children (I lost count).  I wondered if the series finale would be a cheat like “Seinfeld,” a tongue-in-cheek ending like “Six Feet Under,” or a totally ambiguous one like “The Sopranos.”  It proved to be a real ending, in which the often-likeable but deeply-flawed Bill is murdered by his neighbor.  How could you not like someone played by Bill Paxton?

Love’s in need of love, or at least treatment

All of the main characters are earnest, some more likeably so than others, but all need treatment in a big way (pun intended).  There’s Barb, the lovely first wife, who wasn’t a fan of plural marriage, but accommodated her husband’s change in belief, thereby colluding in her own dissatisfaction, as any good masochist would.

Nikki is the second wife in the family and the traumatized daughter of a self-proclaimed polygamist “prophet” pedophile.  She has a mean streak a mile wide, and is constantly taking offense, as though she’s on the receiving end of her jabs.  I always wondered what Bill saw in her, but when we meet Lois, his mother, it all becomes clear.  Nikki is just as mean and manipulative as Lois.  As many people do without realizing it, Bill succeeds in replicating the craziness and lack of satisfaction he grew up with.  People coming to treatment are fortunate, in that they can begin to understand this process and make more satisfying choices going forward in life.  (Read more here.)

Margene is the third wife, who lied to the other family members about her age, so she could marry Bill at age 16.  She’s cute, and full of high spirits that attract Barb and Bill’s teenage son….

And the fun just kept coming, season after season, helped along by a wonderful ensemble cast, till Bill’s death.  And now we’re left to wait for Gabriel Byrne to make us cringe at his Paul, the therapist/protagonist of “In Treatment,” whose sincerity and compassion are matched only by his arrogance:  He’s a therapist who’s above being in therapy himself.   Let’s hear it for complex characters we love and whom I’m compelled to watch.  For my patients, of course!

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of  “love” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Finding a Therapist Online

Posted on March 24, 2011 by

When choosing a restaurant for a special occasion, I go online.  I check the menu and prices on the restaurant website; browse the Menupages reviews to learn about the dining experience of other customers; and look up any New York Magazine or New York Times reviews.

If you’re looking for a therapist and don’t have a recommendation from someone you trust, you may look online, as well, since we’ve learned to do that for everything.  What are your criteria?  Some patients look for publication credits, office location, and price.  Others consider treatment philosophy and expertise in a particular area.  One friend had very specific requirements:  male, around 50 years old, office in the Village, thin, with an appealing face and a specialization in addiction treatment.  Many people check Yelp! and City Search reviews.

Search online therapy-specific sites

I’d suggest going to a reputable site, such as Psychology Today, Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, or networktherapy.com, and browse the therapist listings.  Get a sense of several therapists, their approach, and treatment philosophy to see what feels comfortable for you.  If someone meets your criteria and has a website, you can read more about them and their services, such as here.  Then call and set up a first appointment to see how you click in person.  So far, so good.

By-pass online therapist reviews

I strongly suggest that you don’t read reviews of therapists.  As the author of a recent Op-Ed in the New York Times (read here) mentions, reviews of therapists by patients are quite different than customer reviews of restaurants, products, other types of services.  Disgruntled patients are more likely to write reviews than satisfied ones, and what is not helpful to one patient may be invaluable to another.  It’s a subjective experience.  Very different than undercooked chicken, which is indisputable!

 

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “online” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Are You Doing All You Can?

Posted on March 17, 2011 by

Are you doing a little bit, a reasonable amount, or everything you can to boost your satisfaction in life, to reach your goals?  You may be saying, “Hey, life is long.  I’m taking the scenic route.”  Nothing wrong with enjoying your life every day!  The question is whether you’re childishly expecting great results through minimal efforts.  Maybe you buy into the fantasies of slogans like “Think and grow rich” or “Eat all you want and still lose weight.”  Maybe you hate your job, but are only thinking about making a change.  We hope that life is long, but  what if it’s not?

How long do you want to defer satisfaction?!

Let me give you an example.  There’s a woman I know who’s married to a talented man who had a successful business that was wiped out by the changes in his industry.  She thinks poorly of him and blames him for their paltry retirement fund.  Oh, and did I mention that her husband has a high school education?  And that she’s sitting on her master’s degree and more marketable skills, making excuses for why she’s not doing more to generate income?  And that she was underemployed for twenty years?  When asked what she’s doing to help their financial situation, she says that she’s working on her résumé, the same answer she’s given for the past year.  Clearly she’s taking the scenic route to their financial security, but the view is not spectacular!  She’d rather blame her husband, who has fewer skills and resources, than step up and do all she can to improve their situation—and her own satisfaction.  Her dependency leads her to make her husband 100% responsible for 100% of their satisfaction.

No shortcuts to satisfaction!

There are the people who complain about their lives, while doing little to nothing to change them.  And there are the ones who actually do everything they can to make the most of their lives, and feel increased self-esteem in the process and satisfaction with the results. How’s your approach working for you?

If you’d like to harness all your resources for your benefit, therapy is a great help.  If you’re using your very good brain to come up with why you can’t possibly reach your goals in life, rather than using that brain to deal with the obstacles you need to work through, therapy can be a lifesaver, or—even better—a satisfaction saver!

 

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “satisfaction” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Comfort Zone

Posted on March 10, 2011 by

“I know I could increase my business if I gave some presentations, but I’m not comfortable with public speaking.”

“I’m nervous about showing my fiction to other people, so I could never take a writing workshop.”

“I’m not comfortable meeting new people.  How could I possibly go to a networking event?”

Or go on a blind date.  Or look for a new job.  Or date outside my usual “type.”

How large is your comfort zone?

Letting your comfort zone dictate your choices will stop you from living life to the fullest, because you’re limiting your new experiences and new experiences help us grow.  If you stay in the middle of your comfort zone, it will shrink accordingly—your neighborhood, then your apartment, your bedroom, and finally your bed!  Wouldn’t it be better to expand your comfort zone?!

Okay, you may say, but how do I do that?  Warning:  You’re not going to like the answer.  You have to spend time outside your comfort zone.  Start small and increase the time and distance you spend away from your comfort zone.  If you’re not comfortable with public speaking, don’t schedule a speaking engagement for a group of 500 people.  Start with taking a class, forcing yourself to speak up in meetings, joining a networking group that requires you to speak about your business every week.  Something that may feel like a giant step, but that, objectively speaking (pun intended), is actually on the small side.

First, be uncomfortable!

Isn’t this going to feel, well, uncomfortable?  Yes, but over time it will feel less uncomfortable.  And over enough time, it will eventually start to feel comfortable.  Then you can take larger steps and further expand your comfort zone.  In other words, to become comfortable speaking in public, you first have to be uncomfortable speaking in public.

These are commonsense, relatively easy behavioral changes.  The real work, the thing worth exploring in therapy is this:  Where did you get the idea that life should always be comfortable, that you shouldn’t have to stretch yourself?  And if you find yourself only thinking about making changes, instead of taking the actions, working with a therapist will open you up to a much more satisfying—and comfortable!—life.

What are your thoughts about expanding your comfort zone?  Leave a comment below.

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “comfort” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Love: Noun or Verb?

Posted on March 3, 2011 by

A few years ago there was a recurring TV spot aimed at getting kids to be more active, “Verb:  It’s what you do!”  Many people I see in individual and couples treatment look at love as a noun.  It’s something someone gives you—and usually the person isn’t giving you enough!  But this post isn’t about grammar, because we all know that love can be a noun or a verb.  Psychologically speaking, the child’s position is that love is a noun, something parents bestow or withhold.  Many people grow into adulthood with that concept of love, only now it’s the partner who is bestowing or withholding love.

The first contestant on “American Idol” last night performed a song called “The Only Girl in the World.”  The lyric expresses what many people want in a relationship, that your partner makes you feel you’re the only woman or man in the world.  That’s clearly left over from childhood, from the days when you wanted to be the special child in your parents’ hearts, and the love they felt for your sibling(s) took away from your supply.

Love:  It’s what you do!

If you’re functioning as an adult, you see love as a verb, as something you want to do, not something you need someone to give you.  It may seem like a minor difference, but it’s makes a huge difference in life, the difference between momentary gratification and long-term satisfaction, between dependency and autonomy.  Love as a verb also encompasses the idea that it’s more than a collection of words—“I love you”—it’s putting those words into action on a daily basis.  This concept of love doesn’t make a great song lyric, but it sure makes a satisfying life!

 

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “love” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Checking the Boxes

Posted on February 24, 2011 by

Many people start treatment because they have a certain dissatisfaction in life.  They look good on paper, but their successes feel empty.  They’re checking the boxes in life:  “Ivy League degree(s)?  Check!  Fast-track career?  Check!  Attractive spouse?  Check!  1500+SF apartment in a great neighborhood?  Check!  Children?  Check!”  But there’s no real satisfaction, because they’re focused on looking good on the outside, perhaps checking the boxes in record time, or adding extra boxes.  Their motivation is about impressing, winning that competition called life.  They’ve never learned to feel good on the inside.

What’s your motivation?

Ambition is a wonderful attribute.  But what’s important is a person’s motivation.  Is the motivation behind your ambition to best your dad in his own field?  Is it to prove that you’re more accomplished than your siblings?  Good luck, if that’s what drives you, because when you achieve your goal, it will feel empty and you’ll have to find yet another way to prove yourself.  If your motivation is to do good work in your profession and continue to grow in your knowledge, you can feel satisfaction, whether your latest project is applauded or denigrated.

Treatment helps you live a more satisfying life!

Treatment can help uncover your unconscious motivations and see if they are reasonable for you.  Read here about the ways in which treatment can help you.  In living a more conscious life, you’re living a more autonomous life—no longer a slave to someone else’s idea of a good life.  Treatment allows you to more fully enjoy your life, rather than checking boxes to impress someone else!

 

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “treatment” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Sustainable Relationships

Posted on February 16, 2011 by

A friend sent me a link to an interesting article by Tara Parker-Pope in the New York Times (read here) in response to my previous relationship post, “Is This the Right Person for Me?”.  It discusses the premise that couples who have exposed each other to new experiences, thereby growing in ways that they would not have on their own, feel greater happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

This makes sense to me, but only up to a point:  If you haven’t worked on yourself, you may not be open to the new experiences your partner offers because you may not appreciate your partner’s differences as making positive contributions to your life.

How do you see differences?

There’s a whole range of responses you may feel toward your partner’s differences.  There’s a lack of acceptance (“Can’t you change this?”).  This carries a subtext of belief that the partner would be a better person if s/he were more like you.  The ideal partner would be….a clone!  There’s a grudging tolerance of difference (“I’ll deal with this, but I don’t like it.”).  See the preceding subtext.  There’s an acceptance of differences.  And then there’s what the article discusses, which is embracing the differences as broadening your outlook and changing you in positive ways.

Relationship therapy explores differences

The lack of acceptance and appreciation of differences may bring you and your partner into treatment, as it does for so many couples I treat.  Read more about relationship therapy here.  Perhaps you’d like me to change your partner, rather than work on yourself and warm up to your partner.  You may complain about each other and be unwilling to try each others favorite things, whether movie genres, ethnic foods, types of vacations and particular destinations, kinds of music, etc.  Your unflaggingly hip partner disparages your wardrobe; you pride yourself on your intellectual pursuits and look down on your partner for enjoying “lowbrow” reading material.

But if you work hard in treatment, you can learn where you got the idea that your preferences are superior to your partner’s, and understand how much your close-mindedness limits your range of experiences and satisfaction.  So, while I agree with the article’s premise, it is with the caveat that you have worked on yourself enough to recognize and appreciate your partner’s differences as enriching contributions to your outlook and personality—and to the relationship.

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “relationship” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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Is This the Right Person for Me?

Posted on February 9, 2011 by

“Is this the right person for me?”

How many times have you heard your friends ask this question when they’re dating someone?  Or maybe you’ve asked it yourself.  The answer is….(insert drumroll here):  It’s the wrong question!

The right question is “Am I the right person in this—or any—relationship?”  Turn that magnifying glass on yourself and look at whether you’re a warm, loving, responsible person of good character—the same important qualities you’d presumably look for in a partner.

What’s important in a relationship?

While the external attributes may seem the most important when you start therapy, by the time you’ve done some work on yourself, you’ve hopefully realized that window-dressing, in the form of beauty, accomplishments, money, etc., can’t hide or make up for a lack of character.

The truth of the matter is that any reasonably mentally-healthy person who is warm, loving, and responsible can have a satisfying relationship with virtually anyone else who fits that description and has compatible—not identical—goals.

So the next time you’re thinking about your relationship and wondering about that all-important Is-this-the-right-person-for-me question, flip it around and ask if you’re the right person.

That’s my take.  Read more about relationships here and tell me what you think!

 

*Note:  Apologies for the repetition of “relationship” in the post; search engine optimization requires choosing a keyword for each post and using it repeatedly, thereby breaking a cardinal rule of good writing.

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