How to foster connections with adult children

Fostering connections with our adult children starts when they are infants! If we give our kids the message throughout their lives that they are loved and lovable, that we are interested in their thoughts and feelings, that we’re curious about their interests, and that we accept them for who they are, we have a great foundation to continue building a lifelong relationship. 

Best to start early, but it’s not too late!

The message that our children are loved and lovable isn’t a one-and-done project expressed only through words or actions, but an everyday combination of words and actions. We want them to know that we love them for who they are, not just for what they accomplish or as an extension of us or for making us look good. 

But what if we were too stressed when they were younger to have given enough of the love, acceptance, interest, etc. mentioned above to lay that foundation? What if we were raised in a punitive family and never dealt with that experience in a productive way to learn from it? What if we unknowingly treated our children in a similar way to how our parents treated us?  

No parent is perfect or anything approaching perfect, and we don't have control over life events that may affect our kids. What if there was a divorce that wasn’t handled optimally and the children had a tough time with the fallout? What if there was a death that rocked the family structure?

All is not lost! You can work on yourself and get help through parenting counseling to make the best relationship possible going forward, and get help for them to deal with what they’ve experienced. And you can feel good in knowing that you’ve done something extremely helpful for yourself and your kids. You’ve modeled the importance and healing power of taking responsibility for the shortcomings that every parent has! 

Here are some other ways to foster connections with your adult children.

Ask which form of communication they prefer

Some people prefer texting; others prefer phone calls; still others prefer email or even “snail mail.” I’ve had a number of parents complain that their adult children prefer texts to calls and the parents are insulted. But if you can loosen up your definition of communication to include texting, you may hear from them more frequently. And consider whether or not you are giving them enough space. This is something you can ask.

Give your advice or opinion only when asked

We have lots of life experience that may benefit our children. But when we assume they want to hear our ideas and opinions? We alienate them! How will we know that they want our thoughts? Do you ever have to wonder whether the person on the corner wants your change? No: they will ask for it if they want it.

Don’t take your child’s question as an opportunity to launch into a monologue about everything you think is relevant

Start a conversation instead and hear their thoughts. If they want to hear more of yours, they’ll ask. If they start talking about something and you have ideas or opinions about their topic, ask, “Do you want me to listen or do you want feedback?” And remember that your take on things is just that, not the only way to look at things. A helpful question I’ve heard is this: “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”

Remember that your child is an adult

There’s a beautiful poem I read about the phenomenon of failing to remember our child’s current adult status. The father in the poem tells his adult son something that the son obviously already knows. The father then has the anachronistic impulse to take his son’s hand when they cross the street, and manages to stop himself before that would-be blunder. I’ve found myself in that position before: unthinkingly telling my adult daughter something she already knows. (Therapists are imperfect people, too!!!) We laugh and one of us will joke about my taking her hand to walk her across the street. 

Ask your child more about the activities they’ve mentioned enjoying

Rather than telling him or her about when you’ve done whatever they’ve mentioned (thereby steering the conversation back to yourself), ask an open-ended question that gives them a chance to tell you more about their experience. “What was that like for you?” Or “What’s your favorite song by that artist and why?” Or “How was the live performance different from the recording you’ve listened to?” Or “What was it like for you to play in that pick-up soccer game when you never played team sports growing up?”

Remember that your days of hands-on parenting are in the rear view mirror

Your adult children will appreciate your embrace of their autonomy, especially when their plan backfires. Did you do learn best from being told something from someone’s long ago life experience? Or from failing at something and learning from your failure? And did anyone ever learn from an “I told you so”? 

Brush up on your communication skills

Read up on some useful communication skills. Some are more appropriate for business or other settings than with your adult child.

Be an active listener

Test your listening skills. Pay attention to your listening to talking ratio. Err on the side of listening more.

Ask for help

If you have questions about the many other ways to foster better connections with your adult children, or if you want to better understand what gets in the way of having a more enjoyable relationship with your adult children and want to improve things, contact me and let’s work together to make things better. 

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