"Because You Loved Me"—Co-Dependency or Good Parenting?
A few years ago I was waiting in a doctor’s office and, having forgotten to bring the parenting book I was studying, was at the mercy of Muzak. One of the songs that came on was a Céline Dion hit written by Diane Warren, “Because You Loved Me.” I listened to the words—yes, I was bored!—and was put off by what I heard as sappy co-dependency between lovers:
For all those times you stood by meFor all the truth that you made me seeFor all the joy you brought to my lifeFor all the wrong that you made rightFor every dream you made come trueFor all the love I found in youI’ll be forever thankful, babyYou’re the one who held me upNever let me fallYou’re the one who saw me through through it allYou were my strength when I was weakYou were my voice when I couldn’t speakYou were my eyes when I couldn’t seeYou saw the best there was in meLifted me up when I couldn’t reachYou gave me faith ’cause you believedI’m everything I amBecause you loved meYou gave me wings and made me flyYou touched my hand I could touch the skyI lost my faith, you gave it back to meYou said no star was out of reachYou stood by me and I stood tallI had your love I had it allI’m grateful for each day you gave meMaybe I don’t know that muchBut I know this much is trueI was blessed because I was loved by youYou were my strength when I was weakYou were my voice when I couldn’t speakYou were my eyes when I couldn’t seeYou saw the best there was in meLifted me up when I couldn’t reachYou gave me faith ’cause you believedI’m everything I amBecause you loved meYou were always there for meThe tender wind that carried meA light in the dark shining your love into my lifeYou’ve been my inspirationThrough the lies you were the truthMy world is a better place because of youYou were my strength when I was weakYou were my voice when I couldn’t speakYou were my eyes when I couldn’t seeYou saw the best there was in meLifted me up when I couldn’t reachYou gave me faith ’cause you believedI’m everything I amBecause you loved meYou were my strength when I was weakYou were my voice when I couldn’t speakYou were my eyes when I couldn’t seeYou saw the best there was in meLifted me up when I couldn’t reachYou gave me faith ’cause you believedI’m everything I amBecause you loved meI’m everything I amBecause you loved me.
I kept listening and applied the words to a different scenario, that of a child speaking to a parent. The words fit, except for the “baby” in the first verse. The second scenario allowed me to enjoy the song as a description of the impact of a parent’s love in a child’s life.
Parenting is key
Every day I treat patients who didn’t get the love they needed as children, or at least not in the way they needed it as children.Some parents meant well, but didn’t understand their children’s needs.Some parents were too depressed or preoccupied with tragic events in their own lives to meet their children’s needs properly.Some parents were so self-involved they believed their children should accommodate them.Some of these patients have children of their own now and are coming to terms with the fact that they have unintentionally injured their children’s self-esteem and shaped their personalities in the negative ways they experienced as children. Painful stuff!
Conscious parenting helps you heal and gives your child a great start!
But this insight and the things they learn as we work together in therapy can help them turn things around in their lives and for their children.For patients who begin therapy before starting a family, parenthood becomes a chance to further heal psychologically by loving their children in healthier ways than their parents were able to do. Developing empathy and understanding, warming up emotionally to another person: These are true gifts to your child, and to yourself.
Therapy can help you turn around your parenting values and style!
If you find yourself saying things to your child that you swore you would never say to your child, therapy can help you learn to control your impulses and understand the thoughts and behaviors you want to change, so that you can actually become the parent you want to be. If you'd like to learn more, reach out to me here. I look forward to speaking with you.
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