“Meet Me Where I Am”: About Grief

People are often impatient for someone to finish grieving after the death of a loved one. “How long is my sister going to grieve?” they may ask, eager for the person to get over the death and get back to normal.

How long does grief take?

“How long is the person going to be dead?” David Kessler, one of the experts featured in “Meet Me Where I Am” asks. “Because if they’re going to be dead for a long time, you’re going to grieve a long time.” This quote is one of many powerful ones in Grant Garry’s thoughtful documentary film about grief, “Meet Me Where I Am.” 

Another expert, Ron Marasco, says, “You think that their death is the worst thing that happens. Then they stay dead.” Making sense of that is a Herculean feat.

How to “fix” grieving

Others in the film discuss the unrealistic expectations our “fix-it” society places on the grieving person to bounce back quickly after the death of a loved one. What does bouncing back even mean?!

Even the standard text gets it wrong!

The DSM-5 (the text that lists mental disorders and their corresponding codes for mental health professionals) lays out criteria for a proposed disorder called persistent complex bereavement disorder. The criteria include a symptom persistence timeline of more than 12 months after the death for bereaved adults and more than 6 months for a bereaved child. In my opinion, this demonstrates a lack of understanding of grief, love, and care on the part of the committee studying the “disorder.” As a recent example, do we expect former president Jimmy Carter to be “over” the death of Rosalynn Carter, his wife of 77 years, in a year? Doesn’t make sense!

Getting over it: the idea of closure

Let’s also look at the idea of being “over” the death of someone you deeply love. People talk about having or needing closure. What does that mean? That you experience the pain of loss for a finite period of time and then you don’t feel it anymore, as if the death never happened?

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief aren’t a recipe

Many people are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s work on what she called the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). They have been treated as discrete, linear stages, almost like a recipe to “get through” grief. But that’s not how grief works. You can go through all of them throughout a given day, trying to make sense of an enormous change in your world, in your day-to-day life, in your concept of yourself. 

Grief can be a way to still feel connected

Your grief is a measure of how much you loved the person who died, and can function as a way to continue to feel connected. To paraphrase expert Ron Marasco, can you enjoy what they were, what they meant, the pride that you have that your love for them is still so present? It hasn’t faded. It can still hurt. You want to get to the point where you can still find enjoyment out of their spirit and what they mean to you. As you continue to grieve your loved one, you may find yourself smiling at your good memories some days, rather than always feeling sad. But that’s something that happens over time.

People often talk about grief like an ocean. On some days the waves are like those 100-foot waves in Portugal. On other days they are more like ripples. And the differences in how you experience the ocean may have nothing to do with how recent the death is; it may be an around the anniversary of the loved one’s death, their birthday, just a dream or memory that surfaces, or a related current event.

Supporting the griever

If you’re not the person closest to the person who died, but you’re trying to support the person who is grieving, you may be unsure how to help. We often say “condolences” or “I’m sorry for your loss.” Or we’re anxious and don’t know what to say, so we say something that may have meaning for us, assuming that it has the same meaning for the newly grieving person: “They’re in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “God needed another angel,” or “You can always have another child.” 

Calm yourself and go with kindness

So before saying anything, check in with yourself. If you’re anxious about what to say, first calm yourself, so you can be present. It’s not about saying the perfect thing that will take away the pain. You can’t! It’s not about you. So take the pressure off yourself. 

Kindness and simplicity are the way to go: “I’m here.” Or “I know I can’t take the pain away, but I’m here and I love you.” Just sitting with someone where they’re at can be a comfort. It may feel inadequate to you, because you want to make it all better, but that’s impossible. That’s our “fix-it” mentality. But unless you can undo death, you can’t fix it. 

Over time, you may want to share some memories about the person who died with the person who’s grieving. Something particularly thoughtful the person did or even something funny. This is the beauty of some cultural traditions, such as the Irish wake. 

Grieving and the holidays

And now we’re in the holiday season. How do you help the grieving person at this time? If there’s a gathering where the person will be, again tell them, “I’m here.” Offer to make them a plate or stay by their side. 

Creative inclusion

One family I know always has a large gathering at Thanksgiving and they take a huge group photo. One year when an elderly member of the family had died, his spouse had a large photo of him made and when it was time for the group photo, she put the photo of him in a chair in the front row as a way of honoring him. She may not have been comfortable if someone else had done that, so it’s important to have a conversation to see whether the closest person to the one who died would like to think of a way to honor the person who died. No expectations, just honoring the wishes of that primary person. 

The take-away about how to be there for someone grieving is in the title of the film: “Meet Me Where I Am.” Start with tuning in to the grieving person and be there, rather than trying to cajole them into enjoying something while they’re crying, or talking about how sad they must be, when they may be trying to distract themselves from their sadness by getting into the holiday spirit. Meet them where they are.

Help is available

Read up on depression treatment, which is much like treatment for grief. If you can use support during your time of grief or you want help in supporting a grieving loved one, please reach out.